Thirty days without sugar

Today begins my experiment of sorts, I am going to spend the next thirty days without eating any sugar, white flour products, caffeine or basically anything with a name on the ingredients list that I can't pronounce. I've lost 66 pounds/ 30 kilos this year so the goal isn't really weight loss inspired it's more to see just how I feel and look at the end of it.

I'm a little bit worried about exactly what I'm going to eat, but know as well that it's a great time to experiment with new recipes and ideas. Each day I am going to post a little about how the day went, any new recipes I've tried and at the beginning of each week the amount of weight I've lost. You can find it all on my other blog if you are interested.

Merry, Merry Christmas

Here are just a few pictures from our Christmas day-And guess who was back here in time for Christmas??

Merry, merry Christmas

Beauty in all cultures

Anyone who knows me also knows how I love to celebrate in the diversity of other cultures other than my own. Western ideas of beauty are somewhat limited so I love to learn and watch the other traditions and ideas of beauty in all cultures. I have always loved the Indian culture-the food, music and beauty of clothing and decoration. I recently purchased my first sari and have great fun wearing it around the house ( I am not brave enough to wear it out !! :D )

My very good friend La-Donna and I recently attended a local Indian festival of sorts and had an amazing day drinking Mango Lassi, buying bollywood films and of course watching live dance, but the best part of all? Havng our hands painted with henna!

Sunday morning pancakes

When Aviva was born I decided that it was important to make up some little traditions as I grew up in a home were there was not one. So for the last eight years that is what we have been doing, making blueberry pancakes on a Sunday morning.With the stress of the last year that tradition has been waylaid but Aviva and I are right back into making them now and it is really so much fun! We use a very healthy recipe, with very little sugar and full of oats, just one of these pancakes is incredibly filling.

Oaty Pancakes

3/4 cup milk

3/4 cup rolled oats

1 egg

1/2 tsp salt

2-3 Tbsp sugar

1/2 cup flour

2 tsp baking powder

25 grams butter, melted

1/2-3/4 cup of blueberries

Pour milk over rolled oats. Add remaining ingredients. Mix until just combined. Put spoonfuls onto a greased frypan and turn as soon as bubbles form and burst in the middle. Second side is cooked when centre springs back.

P.S As of yesterday I now have a computer AND the internet :)

Does jesus care?

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained

Too deeply for mirth or song,

As the burdens press, and the cares distress,

And the way grows weary and long?

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,

His heart is touched with my grief;

When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,

I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when my way is dark

With a nameless dread and fear?

As the daylight fades into deep night shades,

Does He care enough to be near?

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed

To resist some temptation strong;

When for my deep grief there is no relief,

Though my tears flow all the night long?

Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”

To the dearest on earth to me,

And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks

—Is it aught to Him?

Does He see?

I love this hymn, it has given me so much strength. What is your favourite hymn that has helped you when times are tough?

Spring is here!

It feels like it has been winter for a long, long time, both literally and figuratively. The long, dark days of winter seemed to drag on forever but now finally it is spring and what a beautiful spring it is!! The tulips and daffodils are filling the bark garden, the air smells like fresh grass and blossoms and the days are getting longer meaning the children can laugh and play in the garden for much longer whilst I watch them from the huge bay window in front of my sewing table.

I have rows of washing on the line and I am so grateful to sleep on sheets that smell of sunshine and fresh air and then in then in the afternoon they shade us as we sit on the lawn and have our afternoon tea, which is lemonade made from my lemon tree and fresh date scones. Instead of being in the house all day we can go on long walks in the forest around our house or along kilometres of deserted beach, looking in rock pools and breathing in the salty air.I have started to sew gorgeous summer cotton dresses which I brought from fabric very cheap last Autumn, I can't wait until Aviva gets to wear them on picnics or summer days spent outside.

I have changed my room around now as well and gone are the heavy blankets of winter to be replaced by beautiful white vintage linen and white cotton curtains which make my whole room seem bigger and airy, I so enjoy the evenings spent in there just embroidering and listening to hymns or writing in my journal.Life has become so peaceful and I am slowly getting used to being a single mother in many ways, I have been asked out on dates by lovely men and it really is tempting but I know that in my heart I'm just not ready for that.

And more exciting is the news that I really am getting a computer (you can't see this but I'm doing a little dance at the news). I miss so many peoples blogs!! I don't think these women know how truly inspirational they are. I can't wait to catch up! :)

I know I'm slack...

It is already Thursday and i haven't done any of the blogs I wanted to :( I have lots of photos to post and get a little depressed when I compare my blogs to other peoples lol but then I remember that they have a computer and I don't. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

My husband visited my home and said it's a good thing that I don't have the internet now as the house is positively spotless, that's certainly something to think about and when I do have the internet once again I will be limiting my time on it to an hour or less per day.

Well the day has finally come when I can say that I have lost fifty pounds!! I can't believe it really all the work has paid off and I found a love and passion in something I never thought I ever would or could and that is running. I used to think that I was too feminine to run and who would want to look gross and sweaty in a pair of trackpants. But the feeling running gives me is of such hapiness and freedom, no matter what kind of day I've had once I run I feel all the stress of the day melt away. Now I'm certainly no Cathy Freeman and I can only run for 2 minutes out of every five and have to walk the other three, but every week I'm getting better. I love the nike slogan that says "If I can do this, I can do better" and I apply that to every gym or dance session I have.

My husband leaving and the loss of my baby was seriously the worst thing to ever happen to me but it pushed me to lose weight and become healthy once again. God does bring beauty from ashes but it's not always apparant how, I truly think all the exercise is part of what has got me through the last months and God knew that it would. It has given me something to focus on apart from my own emotional pain and given me goals that I never thought I would. Isn't our God so, so Awesome. He never, ever fails me.

No more excuses for me!

My coffee date has now turned into a romantic day with me, my husband and the tax man!! They think we (I) owe them thousands of dollars which I certainly do not so it will be an interesting day with Inland Revenue definitely being the third wheel!

Pharez- I will be writing some long posts this weekend and will be adding lots of photos of my weight loss. I was looking at my wedding photos the other day and couldn't believe how much fat had melted off my face.

My babysitter for the gym can no longer take care of Aviva, so I rang the gym and asked (begged) if I could bring her along with me and let her do an hour of reading and school work in one of the small rooms that are not used in off peak hours (this is a tiny gym) so they did more than that, they set one of with a table and chair and toys and books. And they bring her all kinds of things whilst I'm working out (I can view that room from the treadmill) . I have no excuses now! I am in my first 10 km (6-7 mile) run/walk next month but I have a feeling I will be mostly walking :)

I'm sorry if I don't reply or write back all the time it's just that I usually only have 20 minutes on the computer. But it looks like next month I will be back online at home! (you have no idea how literally ecstatic I am at that fact)

I'm so excited!!

I have been praying this day would come for six months now. Next week my husband and I are going out for coffee, he said he wants to spend some time with me and he has missed me! now I am trying desperately to not get my hopes up but running through my mind is 'what should I wear? which shoes go with that? does this mean he wants to come home?'. I feel like a teenager going on her first date ever.

Now I know it could mean nothing but there is always hope! Hope is what I have clinged to for months, it is what has kept me going when I felt like giving up and now hope may transform my life. I know I shouldn't be getting overly excited but I just can't help myself.It's like I see the first glimmer of light in a long time.

Anyway I had better go now and rip apart my wardrobe and try on a zillion outfits. Also need to create a running play in my head of things to say (and not say). This may not turn out exactly the way I am hoping but at least there is the possibility.

God is so good!

I'm sorry this post is so short (and kind of pathetic) but i'm just so excited :) and can't sit still!

Fun in winter :)

This winter has been the coldest in my town for over fifty years, at nights Aviva and I retreat my my room very early and sit with our books by the heater. We have really been enjoying pioneering type books and it has been a good opportunity to teach Aviva more about cross stitch and knitting. We have also been faithfully out in the garden this last week planting the rest of the tulips and daffodils, I can't wait until spring comes and they transform the whole garden!!

Also my Above Rubies arrived this week and Aviva and I were almost jumping up and down with excitement :) We read it cover to cover sitting under my quilt, and then talked about the stories for about an hour afterwards. My favourite story was called "my milk miracle' and talked so much about Gods faithfulness and providence. Obviously being a single mother with no job and no financial support from my family I struggle at times, but God always steps in at the last moment. We have never been able to not pay a bill and have never been without food (he even arranged a gym membership for me in exchange for me tutoring a teenager :) )

I hopefully will have a computer at some time as well, my blog is looking very boring with no photos or anything (and that's because I have to use the computer at the library) I look like I've been very lazy in comparison with some people's Amazing blogs!

I have also spent my spare time coming up with some gorgeous homemade masks, exfoliates and hair treatments. Yesterday I made my first batch of honey and rose hand lotion and coconut lip balm. I honestly wanted to eat them! I will write the recipes next time because they are inexpensive, natural and with fantastic results. I often spend a Saturday night tucked away in the bathroom having a spa day (or night) and now I can do it for a fraction of the price. I knew my beauty therapy diploma would come in use one day :)

Back again!

It seems like everything has been conspiring against me to stop me writing on my blog, and I have so much to say! first we went away to Taupo for a family reunion, then I came down with a bad flu and then the Internet had major connection problems. But I am here now and busy setting up my weight loss blog :)

I had mixed feelings about going to the family reunion but forced myself to go because I haven't seen some of my cousins for about five years. Driving there I had started to feel a bit upset because in the back seat with my daughter feeling very much like a teenager again (apart from the having a seven year old part) because I knew it just was not right, I should have been sitting in the front with my husband talking and laughing and singing songs.

We arrived and my flu was just beginning to show up, and at that point a cousin of mine turned up with the woman he left his wife for and the new born baby they had conceived whilst he was still living with his wife. I guess it was at that point I lost it, I went to bed at six o clock blaming my flu for my tiredness (which was true) and then proceeded to cry and cry for hours until I finally fell asleep.

The next day Aviva and I went for a walk along the lake which was beautiful and there was not a person in sight and I felt happy for a while. But later I just fell apart again, and again and again. The amount of times I had to wash my face in very cold water to take down the swelling and redo my make-up was an embarrassingly large number, but luckily no one realized I was even slightly upset so I must have done a good job. But in the time I was crying out to God, he was there one hundred percent and I realized that God's provisions for you grow the more you need him. And I am coming to know more that there are going to be times that I will fall apart but that in the end I will be OK, God will take care of it!

I had a great time on the Saturday afternoon taking care of another cousins baby and watching the family pool competition and it was good to take my mind off it, in the evening I read the book of Ruth (again) because I never get tired of it and the hope it brings me.

And the ride home was not so bad as the first as I mostly listened to Third Day whilst Aviva slept and then stopped for lunch in some picturesque tea rooms. I was so happy to be home with my lovely bed and deep bath and peppermint tea and fresh salads (instead of the food I had with my family which consisted of many, many carbohydrates and saturated fat) there is nothing like sleeping in a tin shed which passes itself off as a cabin to make yourself realize just how good you have it!

When I got back I called my Pastor and she told me that for separated or divorced women family reunions are incredibly hard, at it was at the time but I am glad I went to it because I proved to myself that even if at the time it feels like I am going to fall apart, God knows just how to put me back together.

Role models

I don't really think I thought much about role models for my daughter in her early years (fictional or otherwise). I wish now I had spoken more about certain attributes that Godly women I knew possessed however since I didn't become a Christian until my daughter was nearly four and spent most of my spare time in various feminist groups that I was the leader of in some cases (I think that this is another post entirely) so finding Godly role models wasn't quite top of the list of my priorities.

Now that I know what I do I can say with absolute conviction that it is never too early to start verbally expressing admiration for Godly ,feminine character traits in other women and that includes fictional characters as well. Aviva's role model is Anne of green gables both in the books and DVDs, she even dresses just like her with straw hats, long cotton petticoats under pretty dresses and neatly braided hair. This produces teasing from some other children but Aviva just doesn't care. In a society that teaches girls to look up to celebrities such as Hannah Montana (which ironically is someone who my six year old niece looks up to greatly) wearing long beautiful dresses and acting femininely is out of the ordinary.Anne was definitely not a shrinking violet and she always stood up for what was right, she was brave and inspiring and perhaps that is what mostly attracts Aviva. Below I have put two photos of both Anne and Hannah Montana to just contrast them and show what the world tells us is beautiful.

There is no denying that Hannah Montana is an attractive girl but Anne is truly lovely.I would be interested to know who your or your daughters female role models are and why?

I am finally back!

Finally I am back online!! My sister has returned to work and has asked me to look after her baby whilst her partner coaches his sports team, so here I am except the baby sleeps all the time which just leaves me with time to write on my blog and more importantly catch up on other ladies inspiration blogs.

Things with me are going well, to be honest this is never the life I imagined I would have at 25. I imagined sweet babies asleep under blankets I had knitted, days spent teaching my children at home, afternoons baking and a husband who came home at the same time after work. However I am also very grateful that God always has a plan B. I watched "Love comes softly' written of course by Janette Oake but on DVD (which I thought was portrayed beautifully) And it really reinforced that our lives may not go according to what we have planned but that doesn't mean God doesn't have something else equally amazing in plan for us.

Aviva and I have been having a great winter so far. Nights spent under quilts watching Anne of green gables, afternoons in our kitchen baking rye bread, eating minestrone soup whilst listening to huge hailstorms, splashing in puddles and thanking God that all water usage in my City is free, Friday nights eating pizza and reading little women.I have so, so much to be grateful for.I have such a blessed life compared to many!

I have also lost nearly 40 pounds now and I feel so, so great. My old lethargy is gone and I look so forward to dance classes every Tuesday night! I will write more soon about how I have managed to achieve this :) But for now I have to check on the baby and get things ready for tonight's prayer group :)

I also hope there are not too many typos in this post, I'm not used to typing on a laptop!

What we've been up to

The days seem to pass so quickly at the moment, I guess because it is winter and the nights are becoming darker much earlier. Aviva and I have been so busy! We managed to buy a huge amounts of books very cheaply lately so have been sitting by the heater and just reading in the evenings.I love to finish of the day by reading Psalms and so Aviva had taken it upon herself to memorize the book of Psalms, I thought this somewhat a bit much for her but then thought who am I to discourage this, so away she goes day by day and it is beautiful to hear.

Last week Aviva, my Mum and I went off to see the Monet exhibition and given half the chance I would have stayed there all week. I have read various books on Monet's paintings but no photo can ever give them justice. They were so amazingly beautiful and his use of colour literally took my breath away. Lately I have found myself daydreaming about his paintings :)

And today I stand two months after I started my plan to change my weight, 22 pounds lighter and two dress sizes down. I have people commenting how did you do it? And this is something that I will be writing a lot more about in the future but last night I attended my first dance class, it was so much fun!! I am still at the beginning of my journey in losing weight really but I have realised it doesn't have to be a hard and boring journey!

I am having so much fun catching up on every ones blogs! I continue to feel so grateful to catch glimpses of such beautiful lives that bring such honor and glory to God.

Another short post

How I miss the Internet. I realize I use it so many ways! from Internet banking to checking opening hours at stores to getting new recipes, I have had to resort to a cookbook of all things!!
Hopefully I will be up and running soon, it has been good to get a break though but now all the walls are scrubbed, the freezer stocked and the mending done I miss my evenings of browsing through other mothers inspiring blogs.

I have had a fantastic morning at the gym, afterwards I just felt so happy (probably all those endorphins) but I am a stage now where I feel peace and resolution of sorts. As hard as it is for me to admit this I have had to come to the realization that my husband probably isn't going to come back and although I know in my heart that God can do anything, it's not going to be mentally healthy for me in the long run to spend everyday hoping that he is going to come through that door.

My husband has been so much to me my best friend, my darling and an amazing father to our daughter, in our marriage we barely fought and had so much happiness, and I will be grateful to God forever for the years that I had with him. But now I need to live my life for my daughter and building our lives up again.

My computer blew up!

This is just a little post from me, to say I haven't been around lately due to the fact my computer blew up!! I nearly cried.

My Mum is giving me her computer since they never, ever use it so I will be back online on a few days which is great because I have so much to blog on! particularly what God has been doing in my life. His faithfulness and love is so much more than I can even comprehend.

Due to me not having a computer I have been able to get so much done. The freezer is full of pasta sauces and meals made from the produce in the garden, the kitchen is gleaming and the winter vegetable garden is all planted.

Lesson learnt-Perhaps my time on the computer has been a bit excessive lately and God wants me to live my own life rather than constantly reading about others.

Pizzas and the sound of music

For as long as I have known my Husband we have had 'Pizza and DVD' night on a Saturday. I would wake up on a Saturday morning barely able to contain my excitement because to me there is nothing better than pizza, I love it in all it's carby, fattening glory. And to add a great movie to the mix is just sealing the already fantastic deal.


When I started my healthy eating regime I almost started hyperventilated at the thought of no pizza. How could I endure a whole week without the thought of my fifth best friend, until I sneakily devised a way around it all. I would replace the base with a wholemeal one, I would make my own healthy pizza sauce to go on the bottom, I would add truck loads of vegetables and use Lite Mozzarella,and I would only have half the amount I normally would. Instead of following it with Ice-cream I would instead have a Coke Zero which was not a huge sacrifice anyway because I love Coke Zero so much I could probably do an entire post on it but have been trying to give it up until I found the perfect excuse to have it once a week.


So this afternoon we began making them, and I'm afraid I went a little overboard because we now have six pizzas in the freezer, on the upside that means no cooking on a Saturday for six weeks! I let Aviva choose what she wanted (and I know you are going to think she is indeed a freak of nature) but she wanted lots and lots of eggplant, courgettes and mushrooms, I barely had room for the cheese after she was finished.



So we sat in the lounge (by this stage the neighbours children had joined us, although once they saw what the pizza had been reduced to they couldn't get out of the house fast enough) and watched 'The sound of music' (with compulsory sing -along of course). I love having a daughter, I somehow doubt that a son would have so enthusiastically sung along with me, but you never know.

Here is some pictures of us making pizzas, my daughter took 95% of them from the peeling of the tomato's for the Pizza sauce to the finished product.

My love of shoes

Today while shopping my daughter said to me "Mummy, I don't like high heels'. This statement alone shocked me into silence, had I taught her nothing? After all I feel only truly at home in a pair of black stilettos (and the higher the better in my opinion). My wardrobe alone is taken over by my many, many shoes. Beautiful bejewelled sandals, cute ballet flats, pairs of boots and of course my beloved stilettos (of which I own at least thirty alone).

I tried so hard to look like a modest and humble woman for a long time, well my version of it anyway. I brought ankle length skirts, high necked tops and flat shoes. My husband hated every moment of it and so it was back to my high heels, liquid eyeliner and hair straightener. Of course I have nothing against women who do dress like that (and I commend them actually) but you know it just wasn't me! Of course I still wear all my skirts at just below knee length and I cover any cleavage but I did learn that fashion is not a sin.

So when my daughter stated this to me I could not believe my ears, after all I almost treat my shoes like close friends to be cherished. Even though it will be many years before she wears them herself I wanted her to develop a love of her own for them.So what could I do? Wash her mouth out? Pretend I hadn't heard? I decided to delve deeper to find out more, when questioned she admitted she thought they looked like they would break when they were walked on. I can tell you now that I gave a huge sight of relief and proceeded to give a brief lecture on the physics of high heels.

The lecture finished we made our way to leave the store when her eyes lit up over a pair of particularly exquisite gold stiletto sandals. I must say I felt a surge of pride as I realised that she certainly is her mothers daughter :).

Finding Joy

I have a feeling my blog is getting just a little depressing, my intention was always to keep things 'real' but I didn't want to bring other people down in the process. It is a hard balance to keep by showing things as they really are but staying positive at the same time.

At church a few people told me they think I'm amazing, and that they wouldn't be able to hold up like I am. Appearances can be so deceiving, on the outside I look bubbly, happy and strong. This blog is one of my only outlets to show how I really feel, I put on a very good mask to everyone in the 'real world'. The mask consists of immaculate hair, clothes and make-up and alot of jokes to cover the way I am really feeling, because if someone is wearing lipstick and stilettos then they can't be that depressed can they?

In saying of all of this I have decided to focus on the positive things happening in my life, and there are actually many of them.

My weight loss is going fantastically, over the last few weeks I have started doing at least one form of exercise every day this changes from cycling, to walking to dancing but every single day I make sure I do something. I have cut out all snacking and I have to say I really think they were just a habit as I don't miss them at all. In my case it was one biscuit turning into 6 or 7 or one piece of cheese turning into four. I feel so great as well, I have so much energy that just lasts and lasts. If you have never been overweight you don't know how much of a prison of your own making it can be. It restricts you from doing so much and when you start to break free from that prison you feel amazing.

With the excess time I have I have been slowly spring cleaning the house, I will have to post before and after pictures because the transformation is fantastic. I have been cleaning out all the closets and cupboards and getting rid of so much clutter, my next goal is to start on organizing all our craft supplies which feels a little daunting to say the least but will make a huge difference in the long run.

As well as everything else I have managed to save a little money which is something I couldn't seem to manage even when my husband was here! It will really come in handy when the car goes in for it's warrant of fitness.

I know these things will seem so small to some people but for me they are huge milestones. Well maybe not the cleaning but the others. When satan tries to steal our joy we always have the right to refuse. I was listening to a 'Shackles' yesterday and the lyrics just stood out to me like a beacon "As I lift my hands, I understand that I should praise you through my circumstances".

We can find happiness, even in the worst of circumstances if we only just look for it.

Sunday traditions

Every Sunday after Church for as long as I can remember we have come home and made a pot of mercimek corbasi and ekmek which is a type of red lentil soup and bread. I want to keep the tradition up for my daughters sake, however my Turkish cooking leaves alot to be desired, my husband who is a chef on the other hand made it perfectly.

After lunch my husband would usually go to sleep for a little while I even though I didn't I just loved to lie next to him and listen to him breathe (does this sound creepy :) ) I think in those moments I felt so secure and happy and that nothing bad could ever happen.

And now I am unsure of what to do on a Sunday, often I will take my daughter to the park but seeing all the gorgeous, happy families makes tears come to my eyes because if truth be told sometimes I miss my husband so much I feel physically sick.

I truly wonder what other single mothers do on a Sunday, do they continue old traditions or do they start new ones?

I am going to my first Covenant Keepers meeting tomorrow night, maybe I can ask others then. I was so surprised to hear that in the meeting in my city seventy percent of the members are men, which means that Christian wives have left their husbands. My leader Dianne also told me that she has been divorced for nearly fifteen years but still holds so much hope for a reconciliation, how precious this woman is. How much she honours God and the covenant she made before him, she truly is such an inspiration to me (and many others as well I suspect).

The end of Summer

Summer is officially over.I know that it ended a few weeks ago but I was holding out hope that it would extend itself just a bit further. However on my walk through the park today I noticed for the first time that the leaves were starting to fall from the trees, with all the things that have been going on in my own life I never even noticed the seasons had changed. How much it echoes my own life really.



I pulled up the second to last Zucchini plant today and harvested the first of the grapes.






And we collected the rest of these pretty beans and staked the Broad beans.





And when the cold winds arrived we came inside and read Paddington bear

And wrote out the second Psalm

And to finish had warm yoghurt and orange cake with more homemade yoghurt for afternoon tea.

I am so grateful for all I can do at with my time at home, my time spent homeschooling Aviva has been the most fulfilling of my life.

By the way the spelling of Yoghurt is not my poor spelling :) That is how we spell it in New-Zealand.

The value of life

Our society seems to put such a small value on life sometimes, I know this should be obvious from the abortion rate but still it continues to shock me. I have had a few people say to me after my miscarriage that "Maybe it's for the best since your husband is not round"

What??????

When did it become perfectly fine to say that to someone? I honestly feel like writing a book called ' Things not to say to someone after a miscarriage' which will include chapters named 'Maybe it was all the stress you were under' and 'Now you can move on with your life'. I feel like screaming at these people that my baby was wanted, precious and above all very,very loved. I had chosen the Turkish name Sevilin which means beloved. I doubt any word could more accurately describe my baby. To make out that my life is better off without him rips my heart out. I know that in their own way these people mean the best and their intentions are not to hurt but I still wish they would think before they speak.


I came across this blog a while ago and it is so beautiful and precious I had to share it . It is the story of Myah and her baby Faith who has anencephaly, most babies with this condition are aborted but Myah although she is young and unmarried kept her darling daughter and now she is 32 days old!! How precious each day of Faith's is and it breaks my heart that so many mothers have missed out because their Doctors told them that terminating the pregnancy was the best option. I hope that you can look at Myah's blog and uphold her and Faith in prayer.

Starting again

Starting again all seems so hard and scary really, while I am not giving up hope that my husband will return one day (even though he is adamant he never will) I need to accept that it will be in God's time and not my own.I am very glad that in my country they wont even think about letting you get a divorce until you have been separated for two years.

I have to say that one of my worst fears is putting my daughter into public education and I pray that for as long as I can I will be able to continue to home school her. However I also need to start thinking about finances and so with that in mind I have decided to finish my social work degree which I can do extramurally (at home) while continuing to home school my daughter. And by the time I have finished then hopefully either my husband will have returned or I will be able to afford to send my daughter to a tiny, wonderful independent Christian school close by while I work.

My other big goal is to lose weight and get in shape. Over the last few years I have gained too much weight and am very unfit! I struggle really to walk up hills and for a 25 year old that really is quite unacceptable. Last year I was beginning training to do a marathon but when I got sick and spent all that time in hospital it just went by the wayside, it is scary how fast my fitness has declined and how quickly the weight piled on. Because I lost lots of blood with my miscarriage I need to take it easy to begin with, but I am hoping that before long I'll be running up those hills again!

It has also come to my attention how much simple carbohydrates I have been eating :( And while I am not embarking on some super strict diet I will be cutting out all the whites (white bread, white rice etc) and cutting way, way back on the sugar and saturated fats (shouldn't be too hard for a vegetarian except I LOVE cheese). I am reading a book on Super foods at the moment and am very impressed with how little changes like adding a few tablespoons of wheatgerm and ground flax seeds to your oatmeal can make a huge difference.

And while the thought of not being Mrs Bonnie K...... any longer still makes me feel sick I no longer feel like like I'm absolutely drowning in grief with no way out. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and even though it is dim and far away I still know that it's there.

Never alone

The last few days I have not been able to write at all. I really wanted to share my heart but words just eluded me. My heart was so full yet so empty at the same time. I avoided the phone and just let it ring and ring because I couldn't quite deal with reassuring people that I was OK when actually I felt like my world had been ripped away.

How satan tries to just get in there and kick us while we are down, I experienced horrific dreams and little seeds of lies started growing in my mind about our Church and I am ashamed to admit but God as well. The more I entertained these thoughts the more they tormented me and the more depressed I became.

I know I am not the only woman (by a long shot) to experience this loss but somehow without my Husband here to support and help me I began to feel very alone. Until yesterday when I women I know from my church rung me and offered me some produce from her wonderful garden, we got talking and I told her about my miscarriage and Husband. When she arrived she told me the story of her own miscarriage at fourteen weeks, the grief and sadness apparent in her eyes. This women would be at least sixty and it was many years since her precious baby left for heaven and it was then I got it. I am not alone.

When she left I put away the produce and I found this one rose carefully wrapped in cellophane. Over the last week I have received about three large bouquets of flowers but none touched as much as this singular rose, it brought tears to my eyes in fact. That one flower meant so much to me. I could see God's love shining right through this women, and I will always be grateful that God sent that women to show me that no matter how bad I feel, he is still there.

“ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts those in any trouble, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

(2 Cor. 1:3-5)

Heavens Nursery

I found this poem a while ago on the Above Rubies website. Little did I know how much meaning it would come to have to me, It is beautiful so thought I would share it here.

HEAVEN'S NURSERY

In Heaven there must surely be

A special place, a nursery

Where 'little spirits' not fully grown

Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love

Tiny spirits on wings of doves,

The choir of angels must sing lullabies

Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day

To cuddle and play in a special way

These tiny spirits left earth too soon

Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish

But came to the Father's love to cherish,

To grow and be taught in His own arms

Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once

To the parents who lost their little one

Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty

The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears

There comes a peace that stills the fears

The parents share the Father's own need

To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold

And release their baby to the Father's fold,

Then comes an angel to whisper the truth

Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father

A place that couldn't be filled by another,

Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,

Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me

To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

No words to express

This will just be a short post because really I just can't find the words to express how I feel.

I have had some slight bleeding over the last few days and I wasn't really concerned as I had no cramping at all. I rang my midwife two days ago and she organised for a scan yesterday which I went to thinking nothing would be wrong. However the sonographer could find no heartbeart and told me he was 99% sure that I would go on to have a miscarriage that night, and as it turns out he was right.

Because It was slightly later than normal my midwife told me it would be best for me to go and get a dilatation and curratage which I am still praying I will not have to undergo.

It is so hard for me to understand how I could lose my husband and baby all in one month. But I know Jesus is here holding my hand and no matter how hard it gets he will never, ever let go.

The book of Ruth

Tonight as my darling daughter is sleeping I sit quietly in my favourite armchair reading again the book of Ruth while I listen to worship music.

The book of Ruth has always been special to me. Just this last Christmas I made my husband a plaque of sorts to go on the wall which is from Ruth 1:16

"Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you, For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord do with me and more if anything but death parts you from me."

When Ruth spoke these words to Naomi she meant them! And although my situation is different

I certainly mean them too. My husband and I are from two very different countries and so I also feel it has special meaning when I promised those words to him.

In the bible study I am currently doing it asks these two questions:

6. Why is Ruth willing to leave her home? Think of the difficulty of travel and communication at this time. Put yourself in her place. How committed is she to Naomi?

7. Ruth clearly embodies the sense of clinging to someone in affection and loyalty that we saw in the definition of cleave. List the ways she says she will cling to Naomi.

This study is about marriage but it uses Ruth's faithfulness, love and perseverance as shining examples. Ruth was determined to give Naomi one hundred percent of herself, to remain obedient even when she didn't understand why and to follow her no matter how far.

This was her mother in law, yet many women don't even give thier husbands half that respect. I have had many women and role models I have looked up to in life but I think Ruth really tops that list.

Another reason I love the book of Ruth? I just love a happy ending :)

Gods Design for Building Your Marriage

I love http://www.bible.org/ , I have found so many great studies over the last few years. They have an extensive range of topics for women on almost every topic you could think of and can be done either alone or with a group.

I'm starting a new one today called Gods design for building your marriage. It lasts for ten weeks and is for all women-married or not. In fact I wish I had spent time before I was married studying about marriage and being a Godly wife, but better late than never.

As I'm on the subject of marriage I had to add that I watched Fireproof last night, what a beautiful movie!! :) I was so very inspired and sent the copy in the mail to my husband. I pray with all my heart that he watches it.

I also had to give a public acknowledgement to Simple Beauty what an encouragement she has been to me. Though she has been through similar circumstances to me she remains so joyful and positive. May the Lord grant you the desires of your heart and bless you with a Godly husband to share the rest of your days with.

Love always perseveres

Yesterday I watched as my husband came home and packed the rest of his belongings and left with them. This morning I woke up and hoped with all my heart it was just a bad dream, but his side of the closest was still empty.

I would have to say watching him pack his things was one of the most excruciating things I have ever had to see. My mind raced with memories of this house- The first morning after my wedding and my heart brimming with joy that I could make my husband breakfast, the back garden evidence of the hours we spent creating it together, the kitchen table where we spent so many happy hours.

I knew at that moment people were praying for a reconciliation and praying that my husband would change his mind and when I asked him why he was leaving us he told me "I don't know". I was praying so hard that God would give me back my husband because I couldn't even for a moment imagine living my life without him.

At times I have debated putting such personal things on the Internet however I KNOW with absolute certainty that God is going to turn this situation around. When you think there is no hope, God comes in and does the impossible. He is the God of impossibilities. And if I could inspire just one women to keep hoping, praying and holding on in the worst of circumstances then sharing my heart will have been worth it.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7


Love always perseveres- No matter how much someone hurts or angers you true love does persevere. It is easy to be bitter and it is easy to be angry. It is hard to continually keep loving and praying for someone who keeps hurting you more than you ever thought you could be hurt.

But it also says that Love never fails. Even though we can't see it, God can!


If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife. On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you’ve got to let him or her go. You don’t have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God. And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on others. I give this counsel in all the churches.”

(1 Corinthians 7:10,11,15-17 The Message)

That's all very well but....

I was thinking today that It's all very well to say I'm going to act more cheerful and have joy in my heart but well actually doing it is another thing altogether.

Today I text my husband and of course there was no reply and I could feel my heart sinking, I then started to get quite irritated with my daughter over things that wouldn't normally bother me.

So when we got home I decided to come up with a list (because I'm quite a practical person) of things I could do instead of feeling hurt and depressed when my circumstances get the better of me. I'm sorry if some of them are a little silly!

1.) Put on very happy and uplifting music and dance around the living room with my daughter :) preferably using hairbrushes as a microphone and as a bonus wearing pyjamas adds to the atmosphere too ;)

2.) Painting my toenails a very pretty colour, in my case today a bright pink that makes me smile every time I see it.

3.) Popping popcorn with my daughter and then watching a DVD under one of my fluffy blankets. The movie HAS to have a happy ending!

4.) Having a long bubble bath, listening to uplifting christian music and reading a wonderful book.

5.) Having cocoa and cookies straight from the oven, a book also adds to this :)

6.) Taking a basket with afternoon tea in it and going to the local park to have a mini picnic in the sun. Reading psalms while my daughter plays.

7.) Listening to Barlow girl, In particular 'You led me'

Good Morning the night is over and gone
I thought once this dark would last for so

Feel the sunlight on my face
You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus You found me
Through the long night you led me
You set me free

Do you see just what You've done in my life?
You gave me more than I hoped for now I


Anyone feel like adding to the list?

Shrove Tuesday

We had a wonderful night tonight attending Shrove Tuesday at our church.

Shrove Tuesday is the last day before Lent and is traditionally when people would want to use up their eggs, butter and milk. I don't know many people these days who would give up these 'necessities' ;)

At our church we had an indoor picnic followed by pancake races (lots of fun) and then eating pancakes for dessert. I didn't have any because they smell made me queasy however it was so much fun! I wish I had remembered my camera because the pancake races were certainly very memorable :)

It was also good for me to go and put some make-up and a nice dress on. I guess lately I have been letting my circumstances rob me of any joy I had. However although pain is inevitable, misery is a choice. And I can choose to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to be joyful. I'm not saying that It will be easy (at all) but in the end no matter what happens If I still can have a cheerful heart then it will be witness to others that Jesus truly does reside in my heart.

So I will choose joy, although I may not always feel like it I will continue to sing songs of praise for the Lord, keep a smile on my face and know inside myself that if I have God then I have everything.

I keep reminding myself that a rainbow often appears after a heavy storm!

Don't tell me that's not a baby!

Since both the news of my pregnancy and the fact that my darling husband has left has come out, I have had a few people ask me 'What are you going to do?'. Someone very close to me suggested even that I not go through with it. As if that would even be an option I entertained for even a second.

The thought that someone could even suggest it makes me sick, what is worse is that so many people even see it as a viable option. I was talking to a non christian lady recently and she told me her son's girlfriend had recently undergone a termination because they 'didn't want to ruin their lives'. I wondered if she thought of the fact that this girl would have to spend every day for the rest of her life knowing she killed her unborn child. She would never, ever forget her baby and my guess is that in years to come she would bitterly regret her decision. Is that not a surer way to ruin your life?

When I was a teenager a friend of mine got pregnant unexpectedly, to someone she had only known for one night. She asked me to go with her to the school counsellor to get advice. His advice was that really a termination was the only option she had.She was told if she was to raise the baby then her life would be destroyed for ever. He never mentioned the possibility of adoption once. She went on to have a termination and when I saw her years later she admitted she had gone on to have two more.

A friend emailed me this the other day and I wanted to share it here.

The Wise Doctor A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said: 'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 yr. old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'OK, and what do you want me to do?' She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.' The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.' She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms. The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child! 'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point. He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb. The crime is the same!

The truth seems so obvious doesn't it? But so many women are swallowing the lies!

"It's just tissue, not a baby"
"It's not a baby until the heart is beating"
" Having this abortion will save your relationship from the stress of an unwanted baby"
" Abortions help reduce child abuse from women who are unfit to raise them

I thought I would replace it with some truths

Abortion has done nothing to reduce child abuse. Actually child abuse increased over 1000% from 1973, the year abortion was legalized throughout the United States, to 1986.

Researcher Emily Milling studied over 400 couples with women who had made a decision to have an abortion. Her research confirmed that 70% of their relationships ended within one month of the abortion. Sociologist Arthur Shostak found that three out of four male respondents had persistent day and night dreams about "the child that never was." And Linda Bird Franke has written "In my research, almost every relationship between single people broke up either before or after the abortion."

The California Medical Association referred to "the scientific fact, which everyone really knows, that human life begins at fertilization and is continuous whether intra- or extra-uterine until death.


Dr. Anne Speckhard, in a 1985 University of Minnesota study, researched "long-term manifestations of abortion" (5-10 years), and found that 81% of mothers reported preoccupation with their aborted child, 54% had nightmares, 35% had perceived visitations with their child, and 96% felt their abortion had taken a human life.



For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

The peace only God can bring

I have started to panic lately about money, although I have always been careful with money now I am going to have to be incredibly frugal. but in the midst of all my worrying I forgot one thing, God has always provided for me no matter how dire the circumstances.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

This morning I headed down to our local farmers market to stock up on fruit and vegetables, I didn't have very much money but was able to buy almost double of what I expected with half the money I have (the excess will go into the freezer). I am so blessed.

I feel so caught up with thinking about what I don't have and how miserable my morning sickness is making me feel that I forget how much the Lord has supplied me with. And it's not just this morning at the market. It's every time I open my eyes and look around. Even though it's still early days I don't feel hysterical at the thought of going through the rest of my pregnancy alone.I certainly still feel alone and hurt and just down right devastated and I am still holding out for healing of my husband and restoration of our marriage but even if that didn't happen as long as I hold onto Gods hand then I am going to be alright. This is the peace that only God alone can bring.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

Tomorrow I have to face the music so to speak at Church-It is obvious I am pregnant now-I cannot go for half an hour without feeling very nauseous and I look pale and not myself at all. When people ask me where my Husband is I cannot lie to them.I know that I shouldn't feel ashamed so why do I?

Faith in very,very hard times

My beloved husband has recently decided at the news of my pregnancy that he would rather not be married to me anymore.My husband has suffered from mental illness for some time now but to put it lightly I feel like going to bed and staying there for a long time.

I know that God is here and that he is what is keeping me going through it all. People know I prayed a very long time for this pregnancy and my husband and I tried for over a year. I guess not many people wouldn't blog about my particular situation but I want to prove that God is there in every, single situation. And no matter how hopeless or distraught you may feel that God is still there in the midst of it. I know that without Jesus in my heart then I could not get through this.

I have joined Covenant keepers and I am still remaining hopeful. Our God is a God of miracles, nothing is too much for him.

I am still confident of this
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord,
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13,14

Natural cleaners

I used to be one of the biggest consumers of chemical cleaners. A few years ago my shopping trolley would consist of glass cleaners, floor cleaner and bathroom cleaners-anyway you get the picture. Last year I came to realize that the only one who profited from these chemical cleaners were the manufacturers and they were laughing- all the way to the bank! Meanwhile I was literally pouring money down the sink. And on top of that was exposing my precious family to chemicals that I couldn't even pronounce the name of.

I must admit I am somewhat of a novice when it comes to natural cleaners. My first information came from reading a post on Rhonda Jean's blog 'Down to earth'. This post has pretty much every recipe you could ever want for a cleaner.My Other inspiration comes from a book I found at a thrift shop 'For Goodness sake!' by Merren Parker. This book has everything from how to make your own yeast,to eliminating household pests to making your own cosmetics. I have found it invaluable.

I was amazed at how well white vinegar cleans! from my floors to my silver, I have never had my house so clean! I used to spend five dollars on floor cleaner a month now I would spend that same amount on white vinegar in six months, and I know that it is not harming my family.

My little project over the weekend has been to make up lavender bags whilst it is not a cleaner it is still so lovely to open a drawer and have all my clothes smelling sweetly of lavender.

Lavender bags

Lavender flowers (dried), 1 cup

Thyme and mint (dried) 1/2 cup of each

1 tsp cloves

1 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp cinnamon

3 tsp orris root (optional)

Mix well together and sew into bags. This mixture deters moths and smells lovely.

Is it still summer?

The rain is still coming down for the third day in a row. My tomatoes remain unripened on the vine due to lack of sun, the washing drips forlornly on the line and whole world seems to have turned a shade of grey.

But inside is a different story! To shake off my dreary mood we are playing colourful Portuguese music and knitting beautiful, bright scarfs in preparation for winter. Black bean chili is bubbling away on the stove for dinner tonight and the smell of corn bread wafts through the house. Aviva has now retreated to the living room to work on her maths but still the festive spirit continues-I can hear her whistling and singing away as she does her subtraction.

Part of today will be spent on trawling the Internet and my cooking books for the perfect valentines day dinner. It makes it hard when I am a vegetarian and my husband is not but I am determined to come up with something gorgeous. We celebrate Shabbat on a Friday night so it will mean spending two nights cooking big meals. We are not Jewish however after reading this article from Above Rubies I became so inspired to make this beautiful tradition a part of our week.

My plans for the rest of the day include organising our wardrobe, doing some mending and doing some baking for our home school art session that we do jointly with some friends. I am about to start making a big pot of minestrone soup for lunch as we haven't had soup for so long as it is been far too hot! I am enjoying our faux winter break :)

Dresses and skirts

I have always loved skirts and loathed pants. I can't ever remember a period of time in my life where I have preferred pants and since I was about 16 I have only worn pants when I have been exercising. It was never a modesty or biblical decision since I have only been a christian for four years, instead I wore them because I always felt more feminine in them. What a surprise it was to me then when my daughter aged about four began to refuse to wear skirts or dresses and so I let her wear what she wanted (which were 3/4 length shorts) except for Church where I was adamant she would wear a skirt or a dress.

I don't feel beautiful waking up in the morning and putting on a pair of jeans but a dress or skirt and blouse is another matter. So a few months ago I decided to talk my daughter into wearing long dresses or skirts for just a few days a week to see if there would be any change in her demeanour. In just a few short days it became obvious that there certainly was! In a long skirt or dress she is more softly spoken, she is more graceful and sweet and most of all she is more inclined to partake in activities of a feminine nature (e.g knitting and sewing). She has received so many compliments from people exclaiming what a lovely young girl she has which has only boosted her self esteem and made her feel more lovely too. It has been many months since she has wanted to wear a pair of shorts.

I have heard time after time that girls cannot 'properly' partake in outdoor activities in a long skirt so I think I would have proved them wrong yesterday when Aviva and I dug a large part of the garden over. In fact I never had to worry about bending over and having my underwear shop at my waistband because as a whole that is not an issue with dresses and I find skirts sit higher than pants. I have also heard the argument that loose pants are as modest as dresses and skirts and OK but do they make you feel as feminine? My daughter and I both get up and put on a dress and then put a ribbon to match in our hair. I know then that we are ready to go anywhere-from a morning at home, to the library or even a church meeting.

The best-dressed woman is one whose clothes wouldn't look too strange in the country. ~Hardy Amies

Baby Ruby-Rose

My sister told me the other day that Ozcan and I definitely qualify as Ruby-Rose's second parents. The joy she brings to our lives cannot be put into words.

Sometimes I think people look on in pity as they know how much I long to have another baby of my own but I could not be happier for my sister. Like myself she was told another baby was near impossible but God is so good and so faithful. When I start to think all hope is lost I know that because I have him then it it never is. Nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible for God.

God has not only blessed my sister with a baby but he has truly blessed my husband and I as well.

As long as there are homes

So long as there are homes to which men turn at close of day
So long as there are homes where children are and women stay
If love and loyalty and faith be found across these sills
A stricken nation can recover from it's gravest ills

So long as there are homes where fires burn, and there is bread
So long as there are homes where lamps are lit and prayers are said
Although a people falter through the dark and nations grope
With God Himself back of these little homes, we have sure hope.

Grace Crowell

Back to school picnic

A wonderful start to the year, a river side picnic with many home school families. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine, watermelon and children laughing. Lots of talking with old friends and some new ones, sneaking cuddles and admiration for babies born over the summer break. A lovely start to the official beginning of the home school year. I caught up with two friends of mine who have had babies two weeks apart, welcome to the world baby Phoenix and Levi.