Finding Joy

I have a feeling my blog is getting just a little depressing, my intention was always to keep things 'real' but I didn't want to bring other people down in the process. It is a hard balance to keep by showing things as they really are but staying positive at the same time.

At church a few people told me they think I'm amazing, and that they wouldn't be able to hold up like I am. Appearances can be so deceiving, on the outside I look bubbly, happy and strong. This blog is one of my only outlets to show how I really feel, I put on a very good mask to everyone in the 'real world'. The mask consists of immaculate hair, clothes and make-up and alot of jokes to cover the way I am really feeling, because if someone is wearing lipstick and stilettos then they can't be that depressed can they?

In saying of all of this I have decided to focus on the positive things happening in my life, and there are actually many of them.

My weight loss is going fantastically, over the last few weeks I have started doing at least one form of exercise every day this changes from cycling, to walking to dancing but every single day I make sure I do something. I have cut out all snacking and I have to say I really think they were just a habit as I don't miss them at all. In my case it was one biscuit turning into 6 or 7 or one piece of cheese turning into four. I feel so great as well, I have so much energy that just lasts and lasts. If you have never been overweight you don't know how much of a prison of your own making it can be. It restricts you from doing so much and when you start to break free from that prison you feel amazing.

With the excess time I have I have been slowly spring cleaning the house, I will have to post before and after pictures because the transformation is fantastic. I have been cleaning out all the closets and cupboards and getting rid of so much clutter, my next goal is to start on organizing all our craft supplies which feels a little daunting to say the least but will make a huge difference in the long run.

As well as everything else I have managed to save a little money which is something I couldn't seem to manage even when my husband was here! It will really come in handy when the car goes in for it's warrant of fitness.

I know these things will seem so small to some people but for me they are huge milestones. Well maybe not the cleaning but the others. When satan tries to steal our joy we always have the right to refuse. I was listening to a 'Shackles' yesterday and the lyrics just stood out to me like a beacon "As I lift my hands, I understand that I should praise you through my circumstances".

We can find happiness, even in the worst of circumstances if we only just look for it.

Sunday traditions

Every Sunday after Church for as long as I can remember we have come home and made a pot of mercimek corbasi and ekmek which is a type of red lentil soup and bread. I want to keep the tradition up for my daughters sake, however my Turkish cooking leaves alot to be desired, my husband who is a chef on the other hand made it perfectly.

After lunch my husband would usually go to sleep for a little while I even though I didn't I just loved to lie next to him and listen to him breathe (does this sound creepy :) ) I think in those moments I felt so secure and happy and that nothing bad could ever happen.

And now I am unsure of what to do on a Sunday, often I will take my daughter to the park but seeing all the gorgeous, happy families makes tears come to my eyes because if truth be told sometimes I miss my husband so much I feel physically sick.

I truly wonder what other single mothers do on a Sunday, do they continue old traditions or do they start new ones?

I am going to my first Covenant Keepers meeting tomorrow night, maybe I can ask others then. I was so surprised to hear that in the meeting in my city seventy percent of the members are men, which means that Christian wives have left their husbands. My leader Dianne also told me that she has been divorced for nearly fifteen years but still holds so much hope for a reconciliation, how precious this woman is. How much she honours God and the covenant she made before him, she truly is such an inspiration to me (and many others as well I suspect).

The end of Summer

Summer is officially over.I know that it ended a few weeks ago but I was holding out hope that it would extend itself just a bit further. However on my walk through the park today I noticed for the first time that the leaves were starting to fall from the trees, with all the things that have been going on in my own life I never even noticed the seasons had changed. How much it echoes my own life really.



I pulled up the second to last Zucchini plant today and harvested the first of the grapes.






And we collected the rest of these pretty beans and staked the Broad beans.





And when the cold winds arrived we came inside and read Paddington bear

And wrote out the second Psalm

And to finish had warm yoghurt and orange cake with more homemade yoghurt for afternoon tea.

I am so grateful for all I can do at with my time at home, my time spent homeschooling Aviva has been the most fulfilling of my life.

By the way the spelling of Yoghurt is not my poor spelling :) That is how we spell it in New-Zealand.

The value of life

Our society seems to put such a small value on life sometimes, I know this should be obvious from the abortion rate but still it continues to shock me. I have had a few people say to me after my miscarriage that "Maybe it's for the best since your husband is not round"

What??????

When did it become perfectly fine to say that to someone? I honestly feel like writing a book called ' Things not to say to someone after a miscarriage' which will include chapters named 'Maybe it was all the stress you were under' and 'Now you can move on with your life'. I feel like screaming at these people that my baby was wanted, precious and above all very,very loved. I had chosen the Turkish name Sevilin which means beloved. I doubt any word could more accurately describe my baby. To make out that my life is better off without him rips my heart out. I know that in their own way these people mean the best and their intentions are not to hurt but I still wish they would think before they speak.


I came across this blog a while ago and it is so beautiful and precious I had to share it . It is the story of Myah and her baby Faith who has anencephaly, most babies with this condition are aborted but Myah although she is young and unmarried kept her darling daughter and now she is 32 days old!! How precious each day of Faith's is and it breaks my heart that so many mothers have missed out because their Doctors told them that terminating the pregnancy was the best option. I hope that you can look at Myah's blog and uphold her and Faith in prayer.

Starting again

Starting again all seems so hard and scary really, while I am not giving up hope that my husband will return one day (even though he is adamant he never will) I need to accept that it will be in God's time and not my own.I am very glad that in my country they wont even think about letting you get a divorce until you have been separated for two years.

I have to say that one of my worst fears is putting my daughter into public education and I pray that for as long as I can I will be able to continue to home school her. However I also need to start thinking about finances and so with that in mind I have decided to finish my social work degree which I can do extramurally (at home) while continuing to home school my daughter. And by the time I have finished then hopefully either my husband will have returned or I will be able to afford to send my daughter to a tiny, wonderful independent Christian school close by while I work.

My other big goal is to lose weight and get in shape. Over the last few years I have gained too much weight and am very unfit! I struggle really to walk up hills and for a 25 year old that really is quite unacceptable. Last year I was beginning training to do a marathon but when I got sick and spent all that time in hospital it just went by the wayside, it is scary how fast my fitness has declined and how quickly the weight piled on. Because I lost lots of blood with my miscarriage I need to take it easy to begin with, but I am hoping that before long I'll be running up those hills again!

It has also come to my attention how much simple carbohydrates I have been eating :( And while I am not embarking on some super strict diet I will be cutting out all the whites (white bread, white rice etc) and cutting way, way back on the sugar and saturated fats (shouldn't be too hard for a vegetarian except I LOVE cheese). I am reading a book on Super foods at the moment and am very impressed with how little changes like adding a few tablespoons of wheatgerm and ground flax seeds to your oatmeal can make a huge difference.

And while the thought of not being Mrs Bonnie K...... any longer still makes me feel sick I no longer feel like like I'm absolutely drowning in grief with no way out. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and even though it is dim and far away I still know that it's there.

Never alone

The last few days I have not been able to write at all. I really wanted to share my heart but words just eluded me. My heart was so full yet so empty at the same time. I avoided the phone and just let it ring and ring because I couldn't quite deal with reassuring people that I was OK when actually I felt like my world had been ripped away.

How satan tries to just get in there and kick us while we are down, I experienced horrific dreams and little seeds of lies started growing in my mind about our Church and I am ashamed to admit but God as well. The more I entertained these thoughts the more they tormented me and the more depressed I became.

I know I am not the only woman (by a long shot) to experience this loss but somehow without my Husband here to support and help me I began to feel very alone. Until yesterday when I women I know from my church rung me and offered me some produce from her wonderful garden, we got talking and I told her about my miscarriage and Husband. When she arrived she told me the story of her own miscarriage at fourteen weeks, the grief and sadness apparent in her eyes. This women would be at least sixty and it was many years since her precious baby left for heaven and it was then I got it. I am not alone.

When she left I put away the produce and I found this one rose carefully wrapped in cellophane. Over the last week I have received about three large bouquets of flowers but none touched as much as this singular rose, it brought tears to my eyes in fact. That one flower meant so much to me. I could see God's love shining right through this women, and I will always be grateful that God sent that women to show me that no matter how bad I feel, he is still there.

“ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts those in any trouble, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

(2 Cor. 1:3-5)

Heavens Nursery

I found this poem a while ago on the Above Rubies website. Little did I know how much meaning it would come to have to me, It is beautiful so thought I would share it here.

HEAVEN'S NURSERY

In Heaven there must surely be

A special place, a nursery

Where 'little spirits' not fully grown

Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love

Tiny spirits on wings of doves,

The choir of angels must sing lullabies

Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day

To cuddle and play in a special way

These tiny spirits left earth too soon

Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish

But came to the Father's love to cherish,

To grow and be taught in His own arms

Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once

To the parents who lost their little one

Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty

The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears

There comes a peace that stills the fears

The parents share the Father's own need

To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold

And release their baby to the Father's fold,

Then comes an angel to whisper the truth

Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father

A place that couldn't be filled by another,

Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,

Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me

To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

No words to express

This will just be a short post because really I just can't find the words to express how I feel.

I have had some slight bleeding over the last few days and I wasn't really concerned as I had no cramping at all. I rang my midwife two days ago and she organised for a scan yesterday which I went to thinking nothing would be wrong. However the sonographer could find no heartbeart and told me he was 99% sure that I would go on to have a miscarriage that night, and as it turns out he was right.

Because It was slightly later than normal my midwife told me it would be best for me to go and get a dilatation and curratage which I am still praying I will not have to undergo.

It is so hard for me to understand how I could lose my husband and baby all in one month. But I know Jesus is here holding my hand and no matter how hard it gets he will never, ever let go.

The book of Ruth

Tonight as my darling daughter is sleeping I sit quietly in my favourite armchair reading again the book of Ruth while I listen to worship music.

The book of Ruth has always been special to me. Just this last Christmas I made my husband a plaque of sorts to go on the wall which is from Ruth 1:16

"Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you, For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord do with me and more if anything but death parts you from me."

When Ruth spoke these words to Naomi she meant them! And although my situation is different

I certainly mean them too. My husband and I are from two very different countries and so I also feel it has special meaning when I promised those words to him.

In the bible study I am currently doing it asks these two questions:

6. Why is Ruth willing to leave her home? Think of the difficulty of travel and communication at this time. Put yourself in her place. How committed is she to Naomi?

7. Ruth clearly embodies the sense of clinging to someone in affection and loyalty that we saw in the definition of cleave. List the ways she says she will cling to Naomi.

This study is about marriage but it uses Ruth's faithfulness, love and perseverance as shining examples. Ruth was determined to give Naomi one hundred percent of herself, to remain obedient even when she didn't understand why and to follow her no matter how far.

This was her mother in law, yet many women don't even give thier husbands half that respect. I have had many women and role models I have looked up to in life but I think Ruth really tops that list.

Another reason I love the book of Ruth? I just love a happy ending :)

Gods Design for Building Your Marriage

I love http://www.bible.org/ , I have found so many great studies over the last few years. They have an extensive range of topics for women on almost every topic you could think of and can be done either alone or with a group.

I'm starting a new one today called Gods design for building your marriage. It lasts for ten weeks and is for all women-married or not. In fact I wish I had spent time before I was married studying about marriage and being a Godly wife, but better late than never.

As I'm on the subject of marriage I had to add that I watched Fireproof last night, what a beautiful movie!! :) I was so very inspired and sent the copy in the mail to my husband. I pray with all my heart that he watches it.

I also had to give a public acknowledgement to Simple Beauty what an encouragement she has been to me. Though she has been through similar circumstances to me she remains so joyful and positive. May the Lord grant you the desires of your heart and bless you with a Godly husband to share the rest of your days with.

Love always perseveres

Yesterday I watched as my husband came home and packed the rest of his belongings and left with them. This morning I woke up and hoped with all my heart it was just a bad dream, but his side of the closest was still empty.

I would have to say watching him pack his things was one of the most excruciating things I have ever had to see. My mind raced with memories of this house- The first morning after my wedding and my heart brimming with joy that I could make my husband breakfast, the back garden evidence of the hours we spent creating it together, the kitchen table where we spent so many happy hours.

I knew at that moment people were praying for a reconciliation and praying that my husband would change his mind and when I asked him why he was leaving us he told me "I don't know". I was praying so hard that God would give me back my husband because I couldn't even for a moment imagine living my life without him.

At times I have debated putting such personal things on the Internet however I KNOW with absolute certainty that God is going to turn this situation around. When you think there is no hope, God comes in and does the impossible. He is the God of impossibilities. And if I could inspire just one women to keep hoping, praying and holding on in the worst of circumstances then sharing my heart will have been worth it.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7


Love always perseveres- No matter how much someone hurts or angers you true love does persevere. It is easy to be bitter and it is easy to be angry. It is hard to continually keep loving and praying for someone who keeps hurting you more than you ever thought you could be hurt.

But it also says that Love never fails. Even though we can't see it, God can!


If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife. On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you’ve got to let him or her go. You don’t have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God. And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on others. I give this counsel in all the churches.”

(1 Corinthians 7:10,11,15-17 The Message)