I've had so many things to write about these past weeks- the vintage aprons we found, the day we made Strawberry jam, the precious moments with my daughter- namely all the moments that make up my life. But I stayed away because if I wasn't going to write the truth then I didn't want to write at all.
The truth is I have spent the last year trying to give myself a physical and emotional make over. Even though I never admitted it deep down I always wondered If I was thinner would he have left me? If only I was kinder, quieter and less opinionated.
I got so many compliments on the way I looked now that I had lost weight and set me up even more with the opinion that yes the reason he left was because of how I looked. At the end of the year I was one protein shake away from an eating disorder and then came Christmas and the return of my Husband into our lives. And so I began to turn back to food, I didn't turn to the Lord I instead to large amounts of junk to fill the huge gaping hole. Now because I am a girl who can literally put on five kilos by even looking at a a pizza this did not bode well for me.
So the last few weeks have been spent on not starving myself or living at the gym but more on eating lots of fruit and veges but more on going on walks with Aviva or getting out on our mountain bikes, I know I have a long way to go but I feel like I'm on the way there now and not hiding in the shadows (with a king size block of chocolate)
One of my favourite singers is JJ Heller and it has been very good for me to just hang out in my room and sing along to her beautiful songs. In particular I have found the lyrics to Love me so uplifting.
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night,
“Dear God won’t you please Could you send someone here who will love me?”
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me ‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means'
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means
He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for youI will give you the love
The love that you never knew
2 comments:
Bonnie,
I was missing your posts. I hope that you keep posting :O) I know it is a hard road. I know those nagging thoughts, and the lies that try to come and lodge themselves as truth in our lives. Keep leaning on the Lord Bonnie!!
Eating balanced and walking and not being afraid of the chunk of chocolate or the pizza are all good things!!
When I was married I would not "starve" myself but I would work so hard to be perfect. Because I was not given affection in my marriage. I thought maybe if I was skinnier (not too possible since I was 125 lbs and 5'9 1/2" tall) I would try to dress skimpier in hopes that he would maybe actually notice my flesh instead of the flesh of other women (doesn't sit well with the spirit of Christ dwelling inside of me). The Lord has shown me that he loves me for me and that my once love is a very lost and abusive man. That it was okay to finally let go of him and to hang onto Christ. Sometimes that's all I get out of a day and sometimes I drink the sweet relief of the truth that God loves me, even if I am a bit heavier than I use to be. He wants me healthy and whole. No man on this earth will ever be able to make us whole. Only Christ the Lord.
Chin up dear friend. I'm so glad that you shared this with us. It is hard to share things when the world is falling down around us. I know, trust me! But I also know that since I am a daughter of the most high KING I have the beautiful right to pray for more and expect more than what this world has to offer. Only I get to expect it right here on earth. Phew... keep in touch and I hope you and your darling daughter keep making wonderful memories and that you enjoy the weekend :O)
Oh Bonnie, I read this after reading your latest post about Beautiful Girlhood. We know in our heads that beauty comes from within but in our hearts we don't really believe it. We want to look beautiful, to be slim, and then we think that somehow we deserve the love that comes our way. If we don't see ourselves as beautiful or we think we're too fat, then when we lose the affection of someone we care about (spouse or friend) we think it's because we're ugly - because we don't measure up to the world's ideal of beauty. As if all our value is in how we look.
It's not true. I've read your blog for a while now (although I rarely comment) and I can see the beautiful spirit that is you shining through. You love the Lord, you love your daughter, you love others. I've never seen any bitterness or anger - except possibly a little now as you blame yourself for not being 'attractive enough'. I've also seen your profile pic and you are beautiful.
I don't know why your husband left, but if he was unable to see and appreciate the beauty that is you, he missed out on a precious treasure.
Post a Comment