Happier times

Some of these moments above were the happiest in my life. And for a long time I wouldn't have been able to look at these photos without bursting into tears or feeling a huge amount of bitterness or regret.

And now...... I look back and am grateful for the time I had with my then husband. "Why?" people have asked me in a shocked tone.

Because since the age of sixteen (when I very foolishly moved in with my first boyfriend) I have always been in a relationship or wishing ferevently that I was. I was never OK just being alone, my only goals in life were to be a wife and mother and if that didn't happen, well then life wasn't worth living. I would forever be a failure, alone with my fifty cats and TV dinners.

I have spent my whole life trying to be someone elses idea of perfect that along the way I have forgot how to be myself.

When my Husband left me (all three times) it hurt more than anything else I have ever experienced. Worse than my sister commiting suicide, worse than my miscarriage, worse even than the time I was raped (sorry if this offends anyone but I'm just trying to be truthful).

But eventually I learned about aspects of myself that wouldn't have happened if he had never left me.

I turned all my pain into passion. In all of it I became the women who I had always dreamed of being but never felt I could.

Yesterday my daughter and I were in an unground carpark and this song came on that we both loved so we started dancing to it, right there in front of everyone. That wouldn't have happened even a year ago because a.) I would have cared too much what people think and b.) good christian women don't draw attention to themselves.

I feel so full of joy, that rarely anything brings me down anymore. I guess mainly because I feel like I don't need anyone to define me anymore (except Jesus of course).

If God chooses to bring me another Husband and children well then that's great. But if he doesn't? Even then what an awesome life i'll lead, I'll be thirty five when Aviva is eighteen and years of travel and adventures will still lie before me.

This is going to be the last post I will do on my husband or my marriage because from now on I want to look forward and not behind.

Because I have had a few comments from people before on how I should wait for my husband no matter how long it takes I do want to say this.

I worked really, really hard on my marriage and I did not let it go without a fight. I tried very hard to be the wife my husband wanted but no matter what I did it was never, ever good enough. Eventually I had to let him go, it was destroying my mental health and that of my daughter but it wasn't easy and I didn't do it without a lot of prayer. And also in case this sounds bitter towards my husband, he tried his hardest to love me but in the end just didn't have the emotional capacity to be a husband to me or a father to my daughter.

My circumstances may not look that fantastic on the outside but truly I have never been happier.

Again I am sorry that there are no spaces between paragraphs but blogger wont let me (yet again)

I'm so excited!!

I have been praying this day would come for six months now. Next week my husband and I are going out for coffee, he said he wants to spend some time with me and he has missed me! now I am trying desperately to not get my hopes up but running through my mind is 'what should I wear? which shoes go with that? does this mean he wants to come home?'. I feel like a teenager going on her first date ever.

Now I know it could mean nothing but there is always hope! Hope is what I have clinged to for months, it is what has kept me going when I felt like giving up and now hope may transform my life. I know I shouldn't be getting overly excited but I just can't help myself.It's like I see the first glimmer of light in a long time.

Anyway I had better go now and rip apart my wardrobe and try on a zillion outfits. Also need to create a running play in my head of things to say (and not say). This may not turn out exactly the way I am hoping but at least there is the possibility.

God is so good!

I'm sorry this post is so short (and kind of pathetic) but i'm just so excited :) and can't sit still!

Another short post

How I miss the Internet. I realize I use it so many ways! from Internet banking to checking opening hours at stores to getting new recipes, I have had to resort to a cookbook of all things!!
Hopefully I will be up and running soon, it has been good to get a break though but now all the walls are scrubbed, the freezer stocked and the mending done I miss my evenings of browsing through other mothers inspiring blogs.

I have had a fantastic morning at the gym, afterwards I just felt so happy (probably all those endorphins) but I am a stage now where I feel peace and resolution of sorts. As hard as it is for me to admit this I have had to come to the realization that my husband probably isn't going to come back and although I know in my heart that God can do anything, it's not going to be mentally healthy for me in the long run to spend everyday hoping that he is going to come through that door.

My husband has been so much to me my best friend, my darling and an amazing father to our daughter, in our marriage we barely fought and had so much happiness, and I will be grateful to God forever for the years that I had with him. But now I need to live my life for my daughter and building our lives up again.

The book of Ruth

Tonight as my darling daughter is sleeping I sit quietly in my favourite armchair reading again the book of Ruth while I listen to worship music.

The book of Ruth has always been special to me. Just this last Christmas I made my husband a plaque of sorts to go on the wall which is from Ruth 1:16

"Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you, For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord do with me and more if anything but death parts you from me."

When Ruth spoke these words to Naomi she meant them! And although my situation is different

I certainly mean them too. My husband and I are from two very different countries and so I also feel it has special meaning when I promised those words to him.

In the bible study I am currently doing it asks these two questions:

6. Why is Ruth willing to leave her home? Think of the difficulty of travel and communication at this time. Put yourself in her place. How committed is she to Naomi?

7. Ruth clearly embodies the sense of clinging to someone in affection and loyalty that we saw in the definition of cleave. List the ways she says she will cling to Naomi.

This study is about marriage but it uses Ruth's faithfulness, love and perseverance as shining examples. Ruth was determined to give Naomi one hundred percent of herself, to remain obedient even when she didn't understand why and to follow her no matter how far.

This was her mother in law, yet many women don't even give thier husbands half that respect. I have had many women and role models I have looked up to in life but I think Ruth really tops that list.

Another reason I love the book of Ruth? I just love a happy ending :)

Gods Design for Building Your Marriage

I love http://www.bible.org/ , I have found so many great studies over the last few years. They have an extensive range of topics for women on almost every topic you could think of and can be done either alone or with a group.

I'm starting a new one today called Gods design for building your marriage. It lasts for ten weeks and is for all women-married or not. In fact I wish I had spent time before I was married studying about marriage and being a Godly wife, but better late than never.

As I'm on the subject of marriage I had to add that I watched Fireproof last night, what a beautiful movie!! :) I was so very inspired and sent the copy in the mail to my husband. I pray with all my heart that he watches it.

I also had to give a public acknowledgement to Simple Beauty what an encouragement she has been to me. Though she has been through similar circumstances to me she remains so joyful and positive. May the Lord grant you the desires of your heart and bless you with a Godly husband to share the rest of your days with.