Broken dreams

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Proverbs 23:18

For the past five years I have had five goals

1. To be a wife
2. To be a mother to many children
3. To home school my children and in the process make passionate soldiers for Christ
4. To create a lovely home

Over the past year I have watched as all of these dreams has been smashed one by one. The last one to be broken is my house. I have put a lot of effort into this house to make it a home. I've planted tulips and daffodils along the borders, spent hours creating a massive vegetable garden. carefully chosen art from thrift shops to complement the walls and of course decorated it with various pieces of crystal, vintage linens and other beautiful ornaments. But after years of living here the Landlord is raising the rent to a huge amount and I have to leave, the only problem is that every place to rent in this Suburb is really expensive. But I need to stay here, my Mother needs taking care of and my part time job is local plus the school that I have enrolled Aviva in for next year is here (as it's the only Christian school for the next 30 kilometres).

My only option left is to apply for Government housing. You can not imagine how I do not want to do this. I cannot believe that as a university educated woman, I have to go and live with my precious daughter in the same area as gang members and Drug dealers (I know that these are not the only kinds of people living in this area but they certainly frequent a lot more than in other parts of society as wherever there is poverty, crime flourishes)
I cannot live at home as my mother thinks I am brainwashing my daughter (she thinks anyone who chooses to stay at home with their child is either stupid or lazy, me included)
I cannot understand how my life has sunk this low, after years of faithful service to Jesus I now have to face all of my dreams in a mangled, broken pile.

But God is a faithful God and he has not forgotten me or my dreams.

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose'.
Romans 8:28

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
Job 11:18

You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.

Psalms 119:114

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
2 Corinthians 1:70

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

Psalms 71:14

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
Micah 7:7

Our God is not a God of disbelief he indeed is a God of Hope and Promise. My dreams may not be here today but that doesn't mean they are gone forever. God knows my heart and I truly believe that this time of trials is no enable me to one day help others going through similar things. He will be everything alright in the end, and I also firmly believe I have bigger and better things awaiting me, he can take those dreams and turn them into something more amazing than I ever hoped for.

May God take your own pile of ashes and change them into something beautiful.

Jesus, what a beautiful name

I love this song,we sung it at church this morning and I felt so blessed by it, it is going to be my goal to learn it by heart over the next few days.

My heart felt very heavy this morning but I sung this song and shut my eyes and pictured Jesus on the cross. With every bang on the hammer taking on the vile sins of the world, it certainly puts my own circumstances into perspective.

Anyway here are the lyrics, I hope they lighten your heart as they have mine.


Jesus, what a beautiful name
Son of God, Son of Man, Lamb that was slain
Joy and peace, strength and hope
Grace that blows all fear away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

Jesus, what a beautiful name
Truth revealed, my future sealed, healed my pain
Love and freedom, life and warmth
Grace that blows all fear away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

Jesus, what a beautiful name
Rescued my soul, my stronghold, lifts me from shame
Forgiveness, security, power and love
Grace that blows all fear away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

Joy and peace, strength and hope
Grace that blows all fear away
Jesus, what a beautiful name
Joy and peace, strength and hope
Grace that blows all fear away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

And the rain continues to fall

Again the rain is pouring down and the wind seems pretty angry too. I have spent a lovely morning out thrift shopping with friends only to have Aviva lock us out of the car! So we spent a good amount of time waiting in the rain for the AA to come.

As I write this the bath is filling up and I am about to have a good long soak complete with lavender oil, peppermint tea, candles and a great novel.

This afternoon I am going to sew Aviva a couple of skirts while she completes the dresses she is making for her countless Porcelain dolls. And tonight we will lie in front of the fire and watch a few DVDs we have rented (DVDs seem to be a big treat for us lately)

I don't mind the cold weather when it means I get to be a little less full on and busy and instead can quiet my heart and partake in activities my Grandmother would of (well minus the DVDs of course ;) )

Have a wonderful weekend!

Low fat hummus

Dear Peace- here is the recipe you asked for, I hope you and the children like it. I always make it in a triple batch and freeze the rest. P.s sorry for teasing you about your ugg boots yeaterday ;)

Hummus

1 cup of chickpeas

1-2 cloves of garlic

1 T lemon juice

1/2 cup plain yogurt

1/2 tsp cumin

1/2 tsp ground coriander

Put it all in a blender and blend!! You don't have to put the spices in but I love them.

Some of my favourites....

Because of my part time job I actually get given a whole lot of beauty and skin products to trail. I literally have shoe boxes of make-up, nail polish and assorted other things. But this is something that a friend recommended and I swear, I'm totally in love with it.

It's called Lucas's paw paw ointment and it is amazing stuff. I use it on everything- chapped lips, dry skin, burns, blisters, insect bites, you name it and I use it for that.

I brought a small container of it a year ago and I'm not even a quarter through it even though I use it constantly. Carry some in your handbag and your first aid box and you're set for life as it disinfects and heals!

Plus it's really inexpensive,100% natural and comes in all size containers. I know I sound like a sales rep for the stuff but I'm not, I just love it! And when I find something this great well I need to tell anyone who will listen ;)

Making yogurt and buttermilk (for Jules and Peace)

Making your my yogurt and buttermilk seems to save me quite a bit of money, It's so easy to do and you don't need any special equipment!

Making Yogurt

What you need

1 litre of milk ( full fat or low fat but NOT skim)

1-2 Tablespoons plain yogurt

a saucepan

wooden spoon

Preserving jar (or similar container)

a warm place to cultivate the yogurt

What to do

Put the milk in the saucepan and heat it until it is just boiling , watch it carefully though as it boils over quickly and makes a real mess! When it has cooled to blood temperature (and be careful with this as if it is too hot it will kill off the bacteria and if it is not warm enough it won't be enough for the growth to take place) The way I usually test it is to put my little finger in the milk and if it is a comfortable temperature after ten seconds then that's usually perfect for yogurt.

So when it has cooled take your yogurt and stir it into the milk until it has dissolved. Put it into your jar, wrap it in a blanket and leave in a warm place. I use an Ezi Yo yogurt maker, which you can buy from most thrift shops for a couple of dollars and it makes it so easier, but it's still not essential to make your own.

Leave to cultivate overnight or for 8-10 hours (it may take less time, it just depends)

Don't forget to save a few tablespoons of yogurt to start off the next batch you want to make

Making buttermilk

What you need

1 litre of low or full fat milk (again no skim milk)

1/2 cup buttermilk

Utensils as above

What to do

Exactly as the yogurt, except the cultivation time is longer, usually 12-24 hours.

Happy cultivating!

For the lovely Terry

I was going to do some fashion posts this week but instead as various people have asked me for recipes I'm going to focus on that instead. So today this bagel recipe is for my lovely friend Terry who is always encouraging and incredibly talented!

I love bagels so much, the recipe I'm given is only for twelve so often I will make double the batch and freeze them. I usually divide the dough into three and make one lot cinnamon, one plain and one blueberry but you can make whatever you want really, you're only limited by your own imagination.

I love mine with low fat cream cheese and tomato or jam if I want something sweet. I haven't eaten meat for nearly fifteen years so I don't remember what it tastes like but I have heard that smoked salmon with capers and cream cheese on bagels is amazingly good (and a great way to impress at a brunch)

I love to cook and as both my father and ex husband are chefs so great food is something that's always been around me.

Bagels

1/4 cup warm water

1 tbsp sugar

1 tbsp yeast granules

4-5 cups plain flour

1 tbsp salt

1 1/2 tsp sugar

1 1/4 cups warm water

2 tbsp molasses

1 egg, beaten

bowl of cold water

toppings such as poppy seeds, sesame seeds, rock or kosher salt

In a small bowl combine 1/4 cup of warm water, sugar and yeast.

In a large mixing bowl place the flour, salt, remainder of the sugar and warm water. When the yeast mixture is frothy. Add that to the flour and mix until combined, knead for 5-8 minutes.

Place the dough in a greased bowl and cover with a damp cloth and leave in a warm place until doubled.

When dough has risen, punch down and knead briefly and divide into twelve pieces. Heat a large pan of water to boiling point and preheat the oven to 200 degrees Celsius

Shape each piece of dough into a ball, poke a finger through the middle and gently stretch each bagel by placing fingers in the hole and gently working the bagel around in an anti-clockwise direction.

When all the bagels are formed add the molasses to the boiling water and then cook the bagels quickly for thirty seconds (don't worry if they turn lumpy they are supposed to!) remove from hot water and plunge into hot water.

When finished pre cooking them place in oven and bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden.

Weigh day

Because several of my friends who are trying to lose weight read my blog, I am going to put my weight loss in every week, since I still have the rest the lose, and hopefully in the process inspire others that they can do it!

So this week I have lost two kilos (4.4 pounds) this is due to my new 1200 calorie food plan that I started a week ago. Also this week I am starting my training for the tough guy, tough gal competition so I expect my weight loss to drop a little due to muscle gain. It's important to remember that that there's a difference between fat loss and weight loss.

Also try not to weigh yourself more than once a week, it becomes an obsession and weight can fluctuate day by day, especially for women. You will get a much more accurate reading if you do it once a week.

And on an entirely different topic it's a beautiful day here today. The sun is out for the first time in about two months, so I'm going to make the most of it!

Low fat vegetarian Lasagne

As I write this a new recipe of mine is baking in the oven. I got this idea from the biggest loser recipe board but change it around. Sorry it's not exactly ordered or precise but that's not really my cooking style.

1 large jar of prepared pasta sauce ( I just made my own by throwing together some tomato paste, canned tomatoes, herbs, chili powder, garlic and onions)

Vegetables of any kind. Use what's in season, in the summer this would compromise of eggplants, courgettes, capsicum and anything else you have around. In winter spinach, carrots, tiny florets of broccoli and Kumera (sweet potatoes). Use as much as you would like.

4 sheets of wholemeal lasagna sheets

1 cup of cottage cheese or ricotta and 1/8 cup of milk

1/2 to 1 cup of lentils or beans (the original recipe said tofu but I'm not really a fan of that )

Salt and pepper to taste

You then just proceed to layer it like you would a normal lasagna. This one is full of fibre and protein but has no cholesterol or refined carbohydrates. It's perfect with a salad and freezes really well.

Happier times

Some of these moments above were the happiest in my life. And for a long time I wouldn't have been able to look at these photos without bursting into tears or feeling a huge amount of bitterness or regret.

And now...... I look back and am grateful for the time I had with my then husband. "Why?" people have asked me in a shocked tone.

Because since the age of sixteen (when I very foolishly moved in with my first boyfriend) I have always been in a relationship or wishing ferevently that I was. I was never OK just being alone, my only goals in life were to be a wife and mother and if that didn't happen, well then life wasn't worth living. I would forever be a failure, alone with my fifty cats and TV dinners.

I have spent my whole life trying to be someone elses idea of perfect that along the way I have forgot how to be myself.

When my Husband left me (all three times) it hurt more than anything else I have ever experienced. Worse than my sister commiting suicide, worse than my miscarriage, worse even than the time I was raped (sorry if this offends anyone but I'm just trying to be truthful).

But eventually I learned about aspects of myself that wouldn't have happened if he had never left me.

I turned all my pain into passion. In all of it I became the women who I had always dreamed of being but never felt I could.

Yesterday my daughter and I were in an unground carpark and this song came on that we both loved so we started dancing to it, right there in front of everyone. That wouldn't have happened even a year ago because a.) I would have cared too much what people think and b.) good christian women don't draw attention to themselves.

I feel so full of joy, that rarely anything brings me down anymore. I guess mainly because I feel like I don't need anyone to define me anymore (except Jesus of course).

If God chooses to bring me another Husband and children well then that's great. But if he doesn't? Even then what an awesome life i'll lead, I'll be thirty five when Aviva is eighteen and years of travel and adventures will still lie before me.

This is going to be the last post I will do on my husband or my marriage because from now on I want to look forward and not behind.

Because I have had a few comments from people before on how I should wait for my husband no matter how long it takes I do want to say this.

I worked really, really hard on my marriage and I did not let it go without a fight. I tried very hard to be the wife my husband wanted but no matter what I did it was never, ever good enough. Eventually I had to let him go, it was destroying my mental health and that of my daughter but it wasn't easy and I didn't do it without a lot of prayer. And also in case this sounds bitter towards my husband, he tried his hardest to love me but in the end just didn't have the emotional capacity to be a husband to me or a father to my daughter.

My circumstances may not look that fantastic on the outside but truly I have never been happier.

Again I am sorry that there are no spaces between paragraphs but blogger wont let me (yet again)

I'm kind of scared......

My friend has decided to enter this competion so after some consideration (and excitment) I have as well. Don't know quite what I've let myself in for.


http://www.toughguyandgal.co.nz/

My weight loss transformation and almost fat free Banana Pancakes

I don't have many photos on me at the moment but wanted to show a little before and after, so this will just be of my face, but even then you can see how much has come off.


January 2009 Me at my very biggest

January 2010 (when my Husband seemed like he was going to move home again)

Actually though I'm really glad he's in both the photos because it shows how much my face has shrunk, in the first photo it's way bigger than his and in the second definitely smaller,

I hated myself when I was that fat.I hated to go in public, I hated that nothing fit me and I hated myself for having so little self control and letting myself get as big as a house. Now I feel amazing. I wear pretty much whatever I want, in fact I love clothes and fashion.

It wasn't easy to lose the weight. There was no magic formula and I worked really hard to get there. It meant long hours at the gym and it was hard, when you're dragging around 60 kilos (132 pounds) of excess weight well everything hurts. I often thought I would faint or throw up (I never did) but as the weeks went by it got easier. It also meant going to parties or events and not being able to eat what everyone else did, no chocolate, no desserts and no fried foods.

But you know what?

It was totally worth it. And as far as food was concerned I never went hungry, I would never be one to starve myself, I love food waaaaay too much. Every week I planned a little treat for myself, so one week it would be a chocolate croissant and the next some french fries. Every day I try to eat four pieces of fruit, three serves of dairy, two to four servings of grains and a truckload of veges, also I'm big on water and green tea. Green tea actually really helped cut my cravings for sweet things. I don't go more than a few hours without eating either.

They say support when you're losing weight is crucial but I didn't have any of that. No friends to act as cheerleaders and my sister and mother weren't exactly helpful so instead I watched episodes of The Biggest Loser on YouTube and believe it or not it really spurred me on.

I also had to deal with the emotional issues for why I ate badly and that's something I'm still working on.

Anyway part of the reason why it wasn't so hard to control my eating was because I had really great recipes to spur me on. I don't eat 'diet' food, I try to eat whole foods. I don't touch things with artificial sweeteners and I stay away with anything that has hydrogenated oils (that includes things like diet peanut butter) I do however use low fat dairy products.

Anyway I'm going to try post some low fat/sugar recipes every week. This is one of my favourites.

I love Pancakes, just love them. However my body doesn't love all the fat, sugar and refined carbohydrates that go with them. Also this recipe is really high in fibre, I have only given enough for one serving so just increase for how many people you are making them for.

High Fibre Banana Pancakes

Ingredients

1/2 cup of Wheat Bran

1/3 cup skim milk

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp vanilla essense

3 egg whites

1/2 banana mashed

Canola oil spray

What to do

Pour wheat bran and milk into a bowl and let stand for one minute, then stir in vanilla and cinnamon. Mix in egg whites and fold in mashed banana. Spray a frying pan or griddle with the canola oil and spoon into pan making five small panckes. Flip after two minutes.

I like to have my pancakes with cinnamon, blueberries and a small drizzle of Maple syrup (the real stuff) not that sugary imation kind.

My last bit of advice. You don't have to be fat on the outside to be fat on the inside.

Honey hand lotion

The ice has been replaced by torrents of rain (again!) and it is so cold here today. I don't have to leave the house until I go to work at three so it's a perfect day to spend the afternoon in the kitchen experimenting with new lotions and things.

I'm very big on hand cream because your hands are one of the first areas to age on your body plus they are highly visible. I like to have a little jar in several places (baby food jars are great) so I dont forget to use it! namely my bag, the car, my room of course and above the kitchen sink.

Here is my favourite recipe, so easy and inexpensive to make but makes your skin feel so soft.

Honey hand lotion

1 t clear honey

2 T almond oil

4 T rosewater

1 t cider vinegar

Place ingredients in a glass jar and shake to combine.

Couldnt be any easier right! The reason I make it in small quantities is because all natural cosmetic products tend to go rancid within a few weeks, you can however prolong them by keep them in the fridge.

My wish list

I woke up this morning and everything was covered in ice! My mum rang me first thing to tell me not to get out of bed as it was too cold!

Well I did get out of bed, I needed to try out a new make-up look that I am going to do this weekend for girl at her formal (prom). I got the idea from dolce candy's blog, I love to watch her tutorials on youtube too

Here it is.......

It may be a tad too much on me for me on a monday morning but too bad I love it anyway :) I teamed it with a Jade top, black satin miniskirt, black leggings and black knee high boots.

Whilst Aviva has been making Maps of European countries, I have been browsing my dream dresses for winter.

If the Purple one was just a few inches longer, it would be perfect! Hope wherever you are it's warmer than it is here and p.s can I come live with you if it is?

The dress up box

It's every girls little dream. A dress up box complete with tutu, her mothers wedding veil, various hats belonging to grandmother and an assortment of shoes, and maybe if shes lucky a feather boa, all held together in a wooden chest.

I didn't have a dress up box and neither did my daughter. When I was a child dressing up was not really high on the priorities list for my mother, she didn't even have the emotional energy to read to us let alone for other creative pursuits but that's o.k because instead I fostered a life long passion for reading instead. And as for my own daughter well fashion of any sort has never appealed to her. She has never shown an interest in the way she looks, I can't even recall a time I've seen her look at herself in the mirror :)

However at the age of twenty six I have decided to create a dress up box for myself!!

It is going to house my many scarves, sari's, pashminas and other thrift shop accessories finds that I seem to come home with.

I'm so in love with scarves at the moment. They make any outfit complete and they are so versatile. You can wind them through your hair, use them as a belt or tie them cutely around your neck. I am a big fan of wearing a pashmina and putting it around my head and shoulders and pairing them with a huge pair of Sunglasses so I can saunter down to the Library or local shops and pretend to a be an incognito celebrity LOL

But seriously they look fantastic with everything, it's really just how to wear them. I might write a post on this too. For under a dollar from any thrift shop they can make a plain outfit look amazing.

I'm becoming a much bigger fan of hats too! I have the cutest selection of beret's that will be making it into the box as well. My proper Lady's hats, have to stay safely in their hat boxes but the other ones will certainly be going in my new chest.

So on the coldest of the winter days (and it's been raining her everyday for well over a month) I can pull out a french lace vintage scarf or sequined beret and add some much needed colour to my day.

I'll post some photos of it all soon, I lent my camera to a friend over a month ago and am yet to get it back.

Hope you had a restful weekend!

Natural beauty

As of yesterday I have my very own laptop, so I can finally start posting on a regular basis-yay!

Fashion, make-up and accessories are a big interest of mine, I like to treat everyday like a special occasion worth dressing up for. Since this is something that I get a lot of comments on from both friends and strangers I have decided it's something I'm going to focus my posts on for now.

I am a qualified Beauty Therapist and worked as one for many years although now I work solely as a make-up artist. So much of my knowledge base with skin products has come from that although I have done my own private research for years now including many, many hours of experimenting. Most of my own recipes or recipes I have picked up come from India in origin. You can easily pick up any of the ingredients in any Indian shop. Indian women tend to have beautiful skin and hair no matter what their income, they use what they have.

Today I'm going to focus just on face masks. I wouldn't be without my weekly Facial, which I will detail more another time, but the face mask is certainly the star of the show. You don't have to spend huge amounts of money to have amazing skin (no matter what any celebrity may tell you) and the recipes I am going to tell you all cost under fifty cents.

Oily Skin

One and a half tablespoons of Sandalwood powder

Tiny pinch of turmeric

Three tablespoons of orange juice

Dry skin

One egg white

One tablespoon of honey

One tablespoon of cream

Normal skin

Two tablespoons of milk powder

Rosewater to mix

Cleansing face mask

2 tablespoons oatmeal

4 tablespoons of whey ( I use the 'water' that separates out of natural yoghurt')

All of these mask recipes you just need to combine and brush on and leave for ten minutes. For best results you should lie down in a lavender scented bath with candles and relaxing music playing ;)

I use the normal skin mask and every time I use it my skin becomes amazingly soft and radiant. Try it for yourself!

* Sorry for the no spaces between anything! Blogger wont let me today......